A year ago today, I was getting on a British Airways flight to Rome, Italy. Waiting in the airport for two hours before my flight, in sheer panic, worried about being "stuck" on a plane for 10 hours. Calling my Dad and Eric minutes before boarding, asking, "can I really do this?" I took off to Rome, with no plan at all. What I knew for sure; I had a car picking me up at the airport that would take me to the St. Regis. There I would be for 14 days. No roadmap, no plans. I just knew, I wanted to go there and would figure it out along the way.
Before I left, my Dad said to me in an email that the trip would be life changing. I was offended...was he saying that I needed to change? What wasn't perfect, already? As parents always do, they can see into our future.
His prediction was, well, right on... I came home from my trip less fearful, less anxious, more appreciation for what is different and with a new found courage for my life. It wasn't even 5 days after I got home that I was applying for an Executive Master's Program...something I had wanted to do for years but the fear of not doing well in the program held me back.
I share with you my Rome experience, because it is something I come back to often. Would I have walked willingly into my cancer diagnosis and treatments, without Rome? I am not so sure... I wonder if I would have been debilitated by the fear of the medical treatments and what was to come of the physical changes. As with Rome, the same with cancer. There is no one size all fits, roadmap. You take the diagnosis day by day and can't predict where you may be in the coming days or weeks. Appreciation for life being different, makes all the difference in the outcome and outlook of each day.
From diagnosis to discovery was 5 long days. The day I was diagnosed is still somewhat of a blur to me. I found out around 10:30am, had the drive to work to call those closest to me. My Dad, Eric and then Eric to tell Ofer, Ashley and a few close friends. Didn't have much to say, but that "I have breast cancer and I would share more as I know more". On D-day I knew nothing about my diagnosis (my doctor didn't handle the situation well and I didn't know any better). Went to work for a meeting then headed home to talk to my Mom for the first time. Hugged her and didn't let go. All I knew was I would see an oncologist in 5 days and find out more. What I came to find out on my own, was that I had a fast-growing and aggressive cancer. Those two words...not ones you want to hear. I didn't know what was to come... but I did have the courage to walk through those 5 days with love for my life. As I have been looking back, those 5 days from diagnosis to discovery were, for me, the most important. I made the decision in those moments, with knowing nothing, how I wanted to live through this. With grace, ease, clarity and courage. To appreciate what I have and not be negative and fearful of what I might loose.
If you were to ask me to define the last year using two words, those words would be: Courage and Survivor. That goes for the sum of my life over the last year and for my family as well. I have co-survivors in this journey. I have had friends and family put their life on hold to save mine. I am so grateful to have an amazing cheerleading squad all around me. You all are fabulous on the side-lines cheering!
As for Rome, I miss the gorgeous chandelier above my bed, the 1500's wooden floors that were beneath me as I walked to breakfast every morning, the history of the city, the oh-so-delicious espresso, the almond gelato I indulged in daily, the back streets that lead to nowhere that were as gorgeous as ever, the craziness among the streets, the simple yet fabulous tomato sauce, the crisp air that would wisp into my room through the windows and lovely Italians that were different than me, that I learned from.
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