An Educated Life

Cancer has been a great teacher; here are some of the lessons I am learning...

1. There is no substitute for independent judgment. I was shocked by the amount of double mastectomy peer pressure that is out there.  Luckily I had the choice between a lumpectomy and mastectomy.  Had my team of doctors suggested that a mastectomy was best for me I would have buckled down and got myself prepared to loose my body parts.  But I love my breasts, and never planned on plastic surgery (to have bigger or perkier breasts), nor did I want to cut off any unnecessary body parts!  In my case, there was no medical reason for me to have a double mastectomy, only emotional/anxiety reasons. The decision was not easy and I still think about it, but I know it was the right decision for me, right now.  
2. I am convinced that one of the greatest gifts of cancer, for anyone, but especially women, is that we finally are able to take and receive without guilt or shame. I realized that much of the time, I’ve been saying “yes” to things I don’t want to do and “no” to things I do. There has been such a learning curve to let people take time out of their lives to care for me, to leave the things they need to do because I need them or just because they want to be there for me. When I was first diagnosed I struggled with this until Ashley reminded me that I had to let my friends be what the best of friends do for each other...be everything you need when you need it the most.  
3. I let go of expectations and resentments. As many people in crisis discover, not everyone is capable of being there for you in the way you need. So many took amazing care of me, especially my family. But as I found myself getting frustrated or hurt by those who weren’t stepping up, a friend reminded me to just try to have no expectations for a change. Instead, she helped me to see that when I look at others with love in my heart, it not only feels so much better and easier than resentment, but it brings the love back to me a million-fold. Everyone’s just doing the best they can.


Has life or cancer changed you; has it made you less judgmental and more open to try new things, or has it made you more fearful of the future? Since we don’t know whether we have a day or decades, I hope you: cherish each moment,  extend your heart to others, be open to love, put yourself out there in ways that make you uncomfortable and live out loud.


XOXO -K

Gratitude, radiation and 6 weeks

Gratitude:
Feeling very thankful this week, for:


1. The fabulous team of some of the best doctors.
2. The urgency Dr. Meyering had to get my treatment started and more importantly for her treatment choices.
3. Dr.Schreier- he is a rockstar surgeon. My boob looks great!
4. Kensington's pneumonia has passed. She is healthy and happy again.
5. And the most important, You! I am so lucky to be me.... and feel so grateful to have you.  


Radiation:
I met with my radiologist today, Dr. Lewinsky (yes, he is Monica's father). He is one of the best in the business!  I will have 33 days of radiation, 5 days a week, starting next Wednesday.  I was fitted today for the machine, had a CAT Scan and got three tattoos.  For all of you that know me well, you know I would NEVER have gotten tattoos under any circumstances (insert big smile).  


We will radiate from the bottom of the left breast and up to my neck and shoulder.  It is quite a larger area than I anticipated. He said that he is choosing to radiate a larger area than just the breast because my cancer was aggressive and my tumor was large. Think of radiation as my insurance policy for future re-occurance and the mop up from chemo and surgery. I will have more information on radiation next week, but this is a sneak peak for you. 


The day I start radiation, I can no longer have any antioxidants for the duration.  I am going to be like a chipmunk this week, when you see me I will have strawberries and blueberries hiding in my cheeks.  I won't be able to eat red beans, spinach, berries and a few other things I LOVE.  Seriously... thought I was over the food restrictions.   


I also saw Dr. Schreier today, all is healing well on my breast but not the case for the area in which they removed the lymph nodes (armpit).  He removed my surgical strips, very happy about that.  My boob is free!  I have lymphatic fluid that has accumulated in my armpit, about the size of a walnut. If it becomes so uncomfortable that I can't lower my arm then they will drain the fluid, otherwise it should go away on its own over the next 4 weeks.  The not so happy news- I have had pain and numbness from the shoulder to the elbow on the back of my left arm.  He disrupted a nerve in surgery.  It may be permanent.  When I told him about the pain, he made a face and I could just tell something was wrong and it was serious.  That's when he said that individuals that have only 3 lymph nodes removed usually don't have this condition, but lucky me.... I do! I can't even touch my arm without saying a bad word (and you know I don't like to cuss).  


I will start physical therapy soon.  I don't have great movement in my arm because of the pain from the nerve so hopefully physical therapy will fix me.  


6 weeks:
My last chemo infusion was 6 weeks ago today and surgery was 3 weeks ago. All day today I have been thinking about how quickly time passes and when you least expect it. 

A friend and colleague of mine, a huge supporter of me through all of this, is walking in the Avon Breast Cancer walk. Participants have to raise money in order to participate and the funds help advance breast cancer research.  She will be walking with my name on her and a dear friend/colleague, Ruth Foster. If you are interested in donating or reading about the walk,click here. 

Cancer Free As the Next Girl

My name is Kristin and I am the proud owner of a left breast that shows no signs of cancer.  I got the fabulous news on Wednesday when I met with the surgeon and then on Friday was able to discuss the pathology reports further with Dr. Meyering.  I thought I only had one lymph node removed, however, I had three.  All three and the 6 tissue samples that were taken at surgery had no evidence of malignancy. Dr. Schreier did an excellent job and got clear margins during surgery.


So, what does that mean you ask? Well, I had a complete response (no tumor at time of surgery) to chemotherapy and am in complete remission. Simple terms for remission.... "No evidence of cancer".  Dr. Meyering and the nurses called my response a miracle.  They said that many young people don't have the outcome that I have, usually our cancers are found at later stages because they grow so rapidly and often spread.  Every morning for the last week, I have found myself feeling very lucky and thankful for having my diagnosis at stage 2a.  I often wonder (however, try not to think about it too much) what my life would be like right now if I was like most of my cancer friends at stage 4. Had it not been for my Mom encouraging me to get a Dr. Apt right away after I felt the lump, I would not have taken it so seriously.  Gotta love motherly intuition!


There is so much I must update you on, I haven't blogged since the day following surgery....


Post- Surgery:  Overall, I am feeling good.  I feel discomfort but no pain.  The movement in my left arm continues to increase by the day.  Surprisingly, I felt great last week up until Thursday and then through the weekend I felt a lot of discomfort, first time since surgery. I keep my left arm quiet and try not to move it much. 


Colorful Characteristics of Chemo: Eye tearing and spasms are slowly going away and I am so thankful for that.  I feel more and more "normal" by the day. Hair is making a comeback!

Herceptin Infusion

A Healthy Heap of Herceptin: Had my dose of Herceptin on Friday, back on track with the treatment every three weeks until October.  I found myself very much missing the infusion center staff.  My check up with Dr. Meyering: still low on my white blood cell counts but nothing to be of concern, weight is stable and healthy, all other vitals were good. 


Remission:  23 weeks ago I was diagnosed and once I started to understand my treatment plan, I longed for the moment that I would hear the words "remission".  I thought I would feel different, celebrate and cherish the moment.  However, the time really came and went last week.  I am so thankful that I am healthy and happy, but I didn't feel different. I didn't celebrate like I thought I would and haven't talked much about it until now.  It honestly hasn't changed much of how I feel.  I am happy to divorce cancer, we had irreconcilable differences.  Aside from that, I have accepted that this is a condition of my life.  Aside from chemo and surgery being well over and done with, my routine (how I care for my body) remains the same as it has for the last 23 weeks. 


A Tumor Found..A Tumor Went: During surgery, a stage 0 DCIS tumor was located and removed.  This is not cause for any concern.  However, there was another tumor growing inside of me and although it was tiny it was still a terrible feeling.  


Wiggie:  Wiggie got a haircut this weekend and I had so much fun going back to the salon.  Can't wait until my first haircut... but for now, the cut looks much more like "me"and I wish I would have cut it a long time ago.


Cocktail Clique: Ashley came into town this weekend and we had a blast!  Saturday night all the girls went out for cocktails and I enjoyed myself.  I felt so much less constricted than I have in the past which was wonderful. 


Kensington:  Took Kenzi to the vet last Wednesday and she has pneumonia.  Taking care of her, me and trying to have fun while doing so has been challenging.  She is on the up and up.   


I am most excited to start a new life routine, I have been taking time off work sporadically and looking forward to stability and a new norm. The second I have more movement in my arm, I can't wait to start working out again and have my body reap the benefits of exercise.  This week I only have one Dr's appointment (Woo Hoo!).  


Thank you for all your prayers and thoughts, I have so, so many people (some that I know and others that I don't) who constantly have me in their prayers or thoughts and I am so grateful for each and every one of you. Your constant support has meant so much to me. 

Surgery...Check

Procedure: Left Breast Lumpectomy, Sentinal Node Biopsy, Lymphoscintigraphy.
Highlights: Sentinel node was cancer-free, waiting on pathology reports from Lumpectomy to know more about if I am in remission and if we were able to get enough margin/tissue around the tumor.

Yesterday was a fabulous day, really, who would have thought?  A year ago I was so afraid of needles or any type of medical treatments.  The thought of surgery, even just a month ago, was keeping me up at night.

Play by Play: 
Parents picked me up at 5:30am yesterday and we arrived at West Hills Hospital right on time at 6am.  Went to the fifth floor, outpatient surgery.  I was checked in and prepped for the day.  By 6:30am I was wheeled down to the 2nd floor by Thelma Reeves, a wonderful women who was with me for a few hours.  She took me straight to the mammography room to prepare me for the local anesthetic in my left breast (in two separate places), the wire guide being inserted and then the lympathic node die inserted by needed in four places.  Everything was going as planned up until this point, when the Doctor responsible for inserting the guide wire wasn't positive that he would be able to see clearly where the guide wire should be inserted by way of a mammogram (for two reasons- where my tumor was located since it is so close to my chest wall and because the tumor was no longer present).  So, we went to plan B which was the ultrasound room.  The ultrasound nurse spent about a half hour looking for the tumor site and at that point they knew that ultrasound was not the best method, so we went back to the mammography room.  They felt confident after having four doctors working together that they could find the tumor site and insert the guide wire in the correct location for my surgical oncologist, Dr. Schreir.  So, lets talk about how they insert the guide wire.  Ladies, for those of you that have had a mammogram before, you will appreciate this....  They kept me in the mammogram machine for at least 20 minutes, inserting needles and the guide wire, while squishing my boob to death.  Ouch!

After local anesthesia to the breast,  wire localization and lympathic node die, I was on my way back up to the outpatient surgery recovery room for an hour to let the die set in... this is where the hour massage came in.  However, at this time, we were already running late for surgery since the first part of the morning took much longer than expected.

Then comes Dr. Tony, the radiologist, he was responsible for removing my sentinel node during surgery.  He was so sweet and comforting. We spent about an hour together before surgery, I was in the cardiovascular ward in a scanning machine so that he could find out exactly where my lymph nodes were.  He marked me up so he knew where he was going to go in and take my sentinel node.

By this time, I had been on a gurney since 6am, rolled around and onto three different floors. Tony is wheeling me to the 2nd floor, with my parents following behind us.  He was rushing to get me to the operating room since we were already past my surgery start time.  I guess everything was moving so quickly, that it caught me by surprise when they wheeled me into the OR without my parents.  There was no time to give them a kiss and tell them that I loved them, so they are behind me and I can't see them and I am wheeled off, so I have a 5 minute cry.  Up until that point, I had been laughing, smiling and enjoying the morning.  Learning about all the doctors working on me and being young with cancer which is rare, many people want to share the people they know that are young with cancer. So, I listened to their stories and enjoyed them.

So I am in the OR.  At this point, I had planned to seriously medicated so I wouldn't be scared/anxious about where I was.  However, the morning sessions had gone so well that I opted out of taking anything and wanted to try it on my own.  I am SO proud and happy that I made that choice.  Met with Dr. Schreir, he marked me up so he knew where he was operating and showed me exactly what was going to happen.  So, in order to be able to see how much skin I would be loosing, where he was making his incision, etc. I had to look down and see a huge and very long wire sticking out of my chest.  Met with the anesthelogist, had a great OR nurse, they pumped me with meds, told me to think of a happy place and I was on my way to surgery.

Surgery started at 12:15 (original start time was 11am) and was two hours.  I woke up in the OR recovery room and felt great.  Once I was fully awake, the recovery room nurse told me that Dr. Schreir was worried that I had hematoma (blood cluster forming inside where surgery was perfored)  and would be back within the hour or so to check on me and either release me or take me back into surgery.  I was so hungry, so thirsty, but they couldn't give me anything since there was a chance I would be heading back into the operating room.  I made friends with the nurse and she snuck my parents in to see me for a few minutes which was so comforting.  The OR recovery room, is typically just for someone to stay in while they wake up and then they are either taken to a secondary recovery room or their hospital room.  It is just a staging area.  Well, I got to camp out there for over two hours.  I saw people being wheeled in and out from surgery, moaning and groaning and acting funny.  It was lovely, but I made friends with the nurses and waited patiently for Dr. Schreir to return.  He did confirm that I did not have hematoma and I was then sent back up to outpatient surgery recovery room and soon released at 6pm.

After surgery Dr. Schreir met with my parents to update them on the outcome of surgery.  He informed them that he had to take more tissue than expected, so cosmetically the surgery didn't have the outcome we had hoped for, but at the end of the day, I have my breast and for me that is all that matters.

My parents were only with me about an hour over the entire day (6am to 6pm). They waited in waiting rooms for the entire day, never leaving.  My Dad knew that I would feel more confident throughout the day if I knew they were as close as they could be to me.  So, they never got up to eat or do anything beside sit and wait.  My parents are so dedicated and fabulous!

The hospital staff was truly spectacular!

I was home by 7pm and felt really fantastic.  Had lots of energy, was in great spirits and enjoyed feeling good. Didn't feel any pain, just discomfort so took half the pain meds I was supposed to be just to be proactive.  I have a huge bandage all around my chest and then bandages around the site they removed the lymph node.

The bandage comes off today and I will be in a sports bra for some time.  I am icing the entire day today and will be taking my pain meds.  In more discomfort that I was last night, but the discomfort isn't bad.  I just can't move my left arm at all, or I feel pain. My breast hurts much less than does my armpit where they removed the lymp node.

Dr. Schreir said that we are still unsure if I am in remission/cancer-free.  I will have to wait for my pathology reports to come in and will be meeting with him on Wednesday to get more information. He reminded me before surgery that there is a possibility that he isn't able to get clear margins (all the tissue surrounding where the tumor was) and there is always a possibility that a mastectomy is required.  But, will know more next week.  But, we do know that I did not have cancer in my sentinel node and no more than the one node was removed which is fantastic news.

So many of you contacted me yesterday to see how things were going, thank you so much for supporting me every step of the way through this journey.  I feel so loved and it makes it so much easier for me to stay positive and think only happy thoughts.