Feeling Me

It's been a while... I have had so much to share but didn't know where to start so I guess I took the approach of saying nothing until last night when I had a moment that struck me. A young women was sharing her story and said that today was the day she was starting to loose her hair and she had pulled it back in a bun, to keep it from shedding. I instantly started to cry. I know what she may be feeling becuase I have walked in her shoes.  I remember those moments like they were just ysterday.

For three days, I kept my hair tied back in a bun, holding off on washing and just lightly brushing .  I wanted one more day with it.. And then, I had to get dressed up for an event. I got out of the shower, put my black silk robe on (what I always wear as I am dressing for a night out) and noticed my hair was severly knotted.  I brushed out the knots (ladies if this ever happens to you- stop here) and too many strands came out at once.  I didn't ever have clumps or chunks or lost hair at night on my pillow like stories I had heard.  But the unthinkable happened.  Two minutes later Katye was knocking at my door, I had tears welling up in my eyes and I had to get out the words, "I am loosing my hair".  We tucked what was left of my hair under my wig, put lots of make up on to cover up my puffy eyes and went on with our night and had a fabulous time. So that is the beginning of the story and the end is that I am now Wiggie-free.  It is so liberating, I don't feel like I am hiding an illness any more.  I have eyebrows, eye lashes and hair, I have it all!

While I was going through treatments I recognized myself in the mirror but I was not familiar with who was there... like there were missing parts.  For many months I would look at pictures from last summer and so badly wanted to feel like the person in the picture- go back to last summer -where there was an innocence about life.  Now, I don't. The person that is in the mirror today, staring back is me feeling like me.

I am fabously living post cancer. I am working out, living a full life from morning to night, spending precious time with friends and family and being grateful for all that is mine.  I am often asked, "How are you feeling."  My answer has been "back to normal".  Just an automatic reply, but when the words come out of my mouth, I hesitate becuase I am not being honest, I don't feel like I did a year ago.  Quite honestly, I don't remember exactly how it felt to be in my body before diagnosis.  I wont be back to normal, what was a year ago before treatment changed parts of my body, my normal is new.  But, I am back to me!

I feel like there a close coming soon, for me, with my cancer.  It is always a part of my journey, I will continue with my treatments (of course!) and be wide open to more learning. I will write and share becuase I have so many more things I want to tell you about. Understanding the complexities of cancer has been a full time job (and need not apply). I have a deeper undersanding of self, of life and people. I have a greater appreciation for how magnificant the body is and all the hard work it does for me. I have been still with my diagnosis and the moments that have made up the last 9 months.  I have processed and unprocessed, learned and shared but most importantly, I have loved more.

I don't fear reoccurence, but I do respect the disease.  I respect that cancer may be part of my life again one day soon or many years to come, but for always, I have upgraded my lifestyle to take care of my body and mind to do what I can to stay healthy.

You have inspired me!  Your prayer, happy thoughts or meditation has brought me miracles.  I am forever grateful.

P.S. My Dad turned 60 on Sunday, a big birthday to celebrate.