A year ago today, the natural order of my life changed. The experience, still is surreal, yet so very real at the same time. It's been a truly full year of life defining moments; terrible sickness that was joyous in its purpose, friends, family, love, tragedy, laughter, travel, a rockstar medical team, 3 surgeries, 10 scans, 3 more cancer scares, endless needles and keeping up with my ever so gratifying work. All so messy and all so brilliant.
This day is a cause for serious celebration *Champagne, please...*. I am beaming inside! The celebration, of course, comes with much reflection on the whirlwind that has been the last year.
As much as cancer has taken, it has given so much more. I live a deeper and more enriched life. Learning to fight cancer for me, was learning to nourish the life in me, rather than a fight against death. I have been rebuilding a more sustainable me- diet, exercise, mind and spirit. Identity refinement 101 happened; the growth I experienced in my diagnosis was partly because I let go of my identity pre-cancer- who I thought I was and how others saw me. My heart is more open, I give and receive love more fully and fear less.
This time last year, I was concerned that I would be defined, remembered by the young one with breast cancer. What I realized is that my diagnosis wasn't going to define my but how I handled it would define who I am.
I have come to realize that fear is an emotion, and like happiness or sadness, fear too will pass. It was a big part of my medical journey and courage blossoms from fear. Without being confined by fear I live more freely, with so many less restrictions.
Life is change. Cancer creates a pandemonium. My life is forever changed. An innocence for life was stolen- the stage where I felt invincible is now gone. Life is terminal, anyone living with a disease is more aware of it and getting used to the idea didn't come easily for me. The complexeties of cancer is a full time job, and need not apply for the position. So much of life is different, yet so much remains the same. I live in the same house, yet home feels different. My family remains Kathy, Steve and Kyle, yet the relationships with them are different. I understand and love them more. Some friends are no longer present in my life and others I have deeper connections with but all of my friends I appreciate more. Daily errands are a pleasure because nothing about ordinary has ever been so fabulous. The openness in my heart has changed along with my thoughts and spirituality.
Everything happens for a reason, right? I do believe it does and never more than I believe it today. My state of grace place is where life intervienes beautifuly. Life is happening with ease. Coincidences happen at just the right time. The right people, the right lessons, the right books present themselves just when you need them most. Cancer was my wake up call to get going gorgeous and start living a more enriched life.Looking back, normal will never be August of 2011, the carefree girl with the long blonde hair. Enter cancer and life is altered. The cancer journey has movement and the stages along the way were all so different. Life rebirthed for me. There was a time where I felt, in many ways, I was in my infancy but in an adult body. No hair, days I could hardly walk, eat, drink, talk, think, do anything that a normal functioning person would be able to do for themselves.
So where am I now? Life isn't going back to like it was this time last year... but I am blessed with not wanting it to be. I want to be right here, right now. My normal is that I have a disease and I will for the rest of my life. It requires constant attention, followup and flexibility. I will likely be challenged when it comes to having a biological baby, I may have health problems moving forward as a result of the toxicity of chemotherapy, Herceptin, my surgery and Tamoxifen. Yet, I have what you have, another day and for that, I am most grateful! Luckily my cancer didn't take my life but I do live with the reality that it can be life shortening as a result. But for now, I keep as healthy as I know possible and am still building strategies for coping with the new conditions of my life.
To everyone reading this blog and all of my friends and family.... Thank you for being with me on this journey, listening to the most intimate details of life and loving me no matter what. Getting me healthy was a group effort and having you in my life made miracles happen.
To my caregivers, a gracious thank you for caring for me wherever I was in the moment (in sickness and health), you were present with me no matter what my state of grace was and stayed with me through it all- Mom, Dad, Kyle, Ashley and Aunt Sue.
What we look for, we will find and I found brillance in a messy cancer diagnosis. This is me, this is my life and my journey to live.
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