My pink outlook on life is currently in progress and under construction. For the last many weeks I've had setbacks from taking Tamoxifen and the side effects have hit me like a Mack truck would (funny story below).
I had a near break-down on Friday after I went to my oncologist. I had difficulty accepting that I really haven't felt like much of myself lately. I know how I am feeling is not me, yet, here I am living in this body experiencing new things. I have gotten use to saying, "I didn't use to be like this".....
The real change is not the physical changes I am experiencing, but the spiritual. The love for my life is drifting. Every morning when I wake, I either say, "Thank You" or "I am grateful". It's been a ritual for the last year and I have just recently lost sight of it.
No. 1: I am grateful to have yet another day of life
No. 2: the thought opens up my mind to be grateful for all that is beautiful during the day
I believe the words that follow "I am", follow me. I want to only give my life good energy and being grateful has given my life deeper meaning. Life is how we see it.So, what am I doing about it? With my oncologists' permission, I have quit taking Tamoxifen for a trial period to see how I start feeling. More importantly, I am dialing up my gratitude. Gratitude in the first place is what made my cancer experience so beautiful and created a life full of health and well-being.
For all you survivors, here's my Tamoxifen side effects: Swollen in my feet, hands and really my entire body, gained some weight, having terrible hot and cold flashes, red rosey cheeks when I am shivering inside, body is struggling to process even the smallest amounts of alcohol and my mind is playing serious tricks on me.
Funny Story: While I was sick I would say, "Feels like I got hit by a Mag truck"... come to find out they are "Mack" trucks which I got a huge giggle out of because no one corrected me for the year I was saying Mag- I got it oh so wrong.
hmmmmm....grateful that "grateful" is in your vocabulary in new ways; grateful that you did not "become" cancer, instead a new creation, a new birth, a new woman, a new spirit in the world; grateful for all the caregivers and hands, ears and hearts that traveled with you through this journey; grateful that you are you. Your journey continues Kristin, everything will be new....even these nasty side affects will leave one day....many of my friends - 6 of the 8 in my saturday morning group have suffered as you have, all took the drug and all survived it...not easy - but then you already know you can do that...the not easy things that is....
ReplyDeleteand to whom are you grateful for all these blessings Kristin? my prayers are ongoing, and my great honor to have you as my niece continues, you've made me stronger, wiser, better...I'm grateful to God for it all. Love you, Ant Soozie