Time Standing Still

Time stands still when I am sick.  I have been trying to figure out how best to describe the feeling… it has been hard to.  I don’t think anyone can understand how it feels unless you experience it yourself and I hope you never have to.  After my first treatment I best described it as drunk and hung over all at the same time but that is because I was trying to attach words to the feeling that were understandable by most.  Now, I think I have figured it out…everything stops around me.  I don’t know what day it is nor do I care, which alone is an out of body experience for me.  Drinking more water than I want to consume, eating three meals and sleeping become the only things that matter.  I am alert enough to know what I need and can’t do any thing more than that. I feel selfish because I don’t have the energy to fend for myself and have learned to completely rely on my family and friends.

What I most grateful for this Thanksgiving is those around me that let time stand still and are right there with me.   Knowing that they can’t do anything to take away my side effects but want to with all their might.  Typically when you are sick, those around you or you yourself are doing whatever is in your power to take meds or treat symptoms, but with chemo, anything and everything that can be done for you to make you feel good during sick days are done at the onset of treatment.  So riding out the storm is all that can be done. 

Treatment No. 3 has been different than No. 2.  I started feeling ill on Friday night which was 24 hours after infusion and am still not feeling well, so timing was different but symptoms were the same.  I am back to work from home today, which means that I am feeling much more like myself. This time I had my Neulasta shot on Friday so my while blood cell counts should be right in line with where they need to be. 

I have a chemo ritual now, the day that I start feeling like eating, I crave a Charburger with cheese from The Habit.  Started with eating at The Habit with Dean and Ashley the first time around and then Aunt Sue during number two and Kyle picked up my Charbugrer for me last night.  It has become the tell-tale sign that good things are about to come. 

Monday my brother took me for a walk, it was the first time I had been outside in a few  days, and we got two houses away and I turned around and for a moment asked myself how I was going to get back because my energy level was so low.  That is a sneak peak into chemo….  My sights are high for today, I am hoping for a walk around the block.