Hair in a Handbag

Dinner at Villa Blanca

I had a moment about a week ago which turned into a moment for much reflection....  I was in a salon, I was carrying my handbag which was zipped open, my hair (a.k.a "Wiggie") was laying at the top of the bag, peeking out.  I thought nothing of it, until I saw two young, twenty-something girls staring at my handbag.  What I would have given to know what they were thinking when they saw hair sticking out of a handbag.

22 weeks ago, my life was turned upside down through many events, one of which was when I saw my first wig. It took me weeks to be comfortable with the idea of wearing a wig, it took even longer to not be ashamed of it. My hair is something myself and others have always admired, something that identified me as me. Everyday, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself because it wasn't my hair that I have had and truly loved for 32 years. The same part, the same feel when you brush it, the same feel when you put your fingers through it. It took many looks in the mirror, but I have come to love Wiggie.  She has become a part of me for the time being.  When I want to go somewhere and don't want to look like a cancer patient, Wiggie is my best friend.  She masks what is really going on in life, to a person on the outside looking in. She makes me look like every other woman.  I guess that is why the wig is so special.

I can only imagine, you feel like I did which was that a wig is foreign, kind-of weird and something you probably would never thing of wearing.  When I saw my first wig on a woman, I couldn't stop starring and honestly, thinking about how fake it was to wear something to cover up what is real, which is not having hair. What I have found is there are many, many people that choose to wear wigs (now I know why because they are fabulous if you have the right one).  They are healing for some and fashionable for others.

Couldn't have imagined that I would ever be comfortable enough to carry my hair in my handbag wide open for all to see.  Wiggie has turned out to be one of my favorite things in life, she has taught me so very much.

I will be so very happy to have more hair than I do today, but for now, I am thankful for Wiggie.

Chemo Brain

Chemo puts you in a what I call a "Brain Haze"--- it is a type of fog. Others may say you loose your memory, but I did figure out my memory is still spot on like it always has, I am just lost in my own thoughts at times.  What I want so desperately is to think clearly again.  Sometimes I am extremely slow, can't think of a word when I am speaking, completely blank or simply, make no sense.  It can be either very frustrating or completely funny where I just have to laugh out loud at myself.

Clarity... to much for a girl to ask for?

Chemo No-Mo'

My Dad sent me a beautiful floral bouquet that arrived on Monday. The note said, "You have more colorful days ahead."  It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. Life wasn't so colorful that day, my eyes and skin were the dullest of shades and I was just starting to come around from being sick.  So looking forward to all the beauty that is to come post chemo (mostly: no more sick days!, my body slowly but surely getting back to normal and on track and working out again).

Can you believe it? 6 rounds down and no more to go. 18 weeks has come and gone so quickly, when I started out with chemo 18 weeks seemed like it would be a lifetime of feeling crappy.

Next step is surgery which is scheduled for two weeks from today, February 9th.

I am starting to feel better, still was having rough times up until last night but woke up today feeling a bit more life myself and am back to work. Visited with Dr. Meyering yesterday and my white blood cell count is ok, not great but nothing to be of great concern and my anemia is manageable. The Dr told me that I have been a big support to patients of Tri-Valley which I thought was so sweet of her to share. I was feeling dizzy at the time she told me so didn't have much of a reaction but have been thinking about it since. It reminds me that no matter what we may face, support from everyone around makes all the difference.

Your love, prayers and continued support throughout my chemo has been such a blessing for me. xoxo

Treatment No. 6

4:30am:  I am wide awake, so excited for today to begin... it is my very last chemo treatment.  Reflecting on what it felt like during my first, which was 18 weeks ago.  That morning I woke up at 5am completely scared to have poison intravenously put into my body.  Frightened for the sickness that would come, all of the many body changes that were on their way and realizing that my life was about to drastically change- both mind, body, spirit and routine.  I had a good cry and then went on with my morning and headed to the treatment center.

10:00am:  Wanting to jump for joy!  Infusion started and will run until around 2pm. They are reducing my steroid dose and have added a new drug that will keep me from throwing up which is Emend. The energy at treatment is fun today since it is my last time. Mom is with me all day and Katye, Jenna and my brother are stopping by.

I still have another week to go, I will start feeling good again on Thursday.  Chemo is like running a marathon; takes physical and mental stamina, practice, discipline, patience and many body aches along the route.  But running over the finish line is energizing and amazing...at that moment all the preparation for the race is well worth the feeling after you finish.  I will be running over my finish as I wake on Thursday, as good as almost new.

If you know of anyone that has cancer or is a cancer survivor, please pass along this information on a cancer summit in March in Vegas. http://omgsummit.org/2012/

Eating Sushi Standing

I had an eventful last few days.... Went to Santa Barbara this weekend for a mini vacay and really enjoyed my time there... spent time with good friends, danced and listened to music that makes you want to sing out loud.

Last night, I went to my first ever basketball game.  Lakers vs. Mavericks and quite liked it.  Good celebrity sitings, great seats, learned all about basketball. Pre-game, I enjoyed cocktails and sushi while standing at Katsuya.  There are first times for everything...which has been something I find myself saying often as of late.

I have been feeling fantastic over the last 5 or so days and am completely ready for Thursday which is my FINAL chemo treatment.  Excited that I am one day closer to never feeling the fog of chemo that comes over me.  However, dreading that starting on Saturday I will feel like I am hit by a truck and will be down for many days to come.  But, last, last time!  

Today, I am back to my short-term reality....prepping my body for its smack down on Thursday.  I start my pre-chemo meds tomorrow, eating limited foods, drinking lots of water and getting all the rest I can.

Tomorrow morning I have a mammogram in preparation for surgery.  The mammogram will tell the surgeon where the tumor was (*ahhh*).  Since it isn't there anymore they will use the marker (a titanium clip they inserted when I got my biopsy in September) as the guide during surgery.  In the evening I have a support group meeting at UC Irvine.  I really like my time at the meetings, to be around all under 40 year old women that are or have been through what I am going through ---feels good.  I am surrounded by women like me...

I will blog again on Thursday to update you on any chemo news.  Have a great day!

Ready....

The gloves are back on....last week I was ready to give up on chemo after treatment No. 5 because it kicked my a**.  I am ready now, to put back up a fight!  Ready to be back in the game. T (-) 10 days until my last infusion.

Life is slowing down for me... Tired all the time, body and mind are exhausted, muscles feel weak.  I took Kensington for a walk the other night with Liz and Horatio and the walk was not all that long, I had to sit down outside on the steps to catch my breath.  I use to wake up thinking coffee now, I think cancer.  My exhaustion and lazy feeling is a constant reminder that I am far from my old self.

My memory and concentration has gone kaput.  Doctor said it will be about a year until I am out of the chemo haze and back to full energy.  I think I might be most looking forward to that...even over hair growth.

Met with my oncologist and surgeon on Friday and had very good appointments.  All vitals are looking good, down to 115 lbs (my junior high weight) but the doctor's aren't worried.  I don't think I am loosing weight from the treatments, I think I am loosing the weight because I no longer eat sugar.

Weekend was lots of fun and eventful and saw many friends.  Looking forward to a full week back at work with NO doctor's appointments and a weekend away in Santa Barbara.

love ya!

New Year, New Me

For the last ten years, I have written in a journal on or around New Year's Eve, the things that I want to focus on in the next year.  They change year from year, but every year I get to look back and that is fun and rewarding.  When I look back on 2011, I see a year of learning about the power of positivity and I was given many opportunities to be courageous. For 2012, it is all about the power of possibility.

I may be too big for my britches this year, but here goes.....

1. Within the next 45 days or less the cancer will be removed from my body.  I will start radiation and be likely done with weekly Doctor Appointments by May. I am most hopeful that sometime in this year I can say that I am a breast cancer survivor (*sign and tear).
2.  Big year!  I will have hair on all parts of my body again.
3.  I hope to menstruate, again.  Yes, I am excited for this.  Ladies every month when get annoyed with yet another period, please be thankful.  Those periods keep you from crazy things......
4.  Floss.  It's the little things in life.
5.  Fall in love again.  Or lets be real, start dating. My personal life has fallen on the back burner until I am given a clean bill of health. In December of 2008, I wrote on my wish list for 2009 to fall in love again and it surprisingly happened and was magical, however, short lived. A relationship and family I am most grateful for. 
6.  Come fall, enroll is the Executive MBA program at USC. Fight on!
7.  Truly enjoy every moment and every body.

As I see it, year over year life keeps revealing the best of itself.  I have had a blessed life and my parents have worked diligently at making sure it was that way.  I will have overcome two very big life challenges at a young age. The one I am fabulously fighting and the other would be my divorce.  Both took/taking courage, grace, determination, support and was pretty in a package with so many amazing life lessons topped with a gorgeous aqua blue tiffany bow.

With all that I have learned in a short period of time over the last five months, I have learned most that I have been given a chance for a do-over life.  The chance to see life and priorities from a completely different place.  For all the wonderful things in my life, and life is truly wonderful, I am most grateful.  I say a do-over life, because until we have brushed up against mortality, life seems boundless. For me, there was always time to be happy later, but first I had to accomplish certain things.  Cancer cured this strange nearsightedness, the dance of hesitation.  At a time when I guess, I should feel the most tied down and strapped into something in my life, I have felt the most liberated and it has given me foresight to see who I want to be in this life and in every moment.

When you are faced with the reality of re-occurance rates, for me, it has given me the ability to find the joy in every moment and to be courageous enough to dream big.  I haven't ever been a dreamer and now I have big dreams for myself and still having fun creating the dream.

Ashley and I were at an antique store and passed by a picture with a quote on it and it stopped me in my steps and I started crying as I read through it.  It read; "This is the beginning of a new day.  You have been given this day to use as you will.  You can waste it or use it for good.  What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it.  When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever.  In it's place is something you will have left behind.  Let it be something good."  I tear every time I read it which I guess means, I love and connect with the saying so I wanted to make sure I shared.  I hope you like it as much as I do.

Your support over the last six months has made it so I can be so hopeful for the future.  To a brighter, happier and most importantly a healthier new year! With warmth and gratitude to have you in my life. - Muah!  

On the Road to Recovery

There were a few bumps in the road during this recovery.  On Thursday night, the night of my infusion I was very sick which was unexpected.  So, I had two extra days on top of my normal 4 that I felt terrible, not to mention it was scary to be getting sick so much earlier than what has been normal.  I had all the typical symptoms of the sterotypical chemo patient; nausea, sickness, exhausted and not eating. 

What are sick days like? dragging myself from the bed to the couch for 5 days following injection of liquid chemicals that both heal and poison. Fatigue from cancer added to exhaustion from treatments is one of the most discouraging sides to this disease. It takes all the energy that I have to put my feet on the floor from the bed and make my way to another place in the house to lay down.  I walk laps in the house which is quite comical, my parents say "round and round she goes..."  It is the only time my body gets exercise and my muscles get the chance to move.  I lay in bed all day, can't watch TV because it makes me dizzy, can't read or talk to anyone and definitely can't sleep, but yet am exhausted so every time I walk I hope that I will become tired enough to sleep but it never really works.  Your body is tired but your mind isn't so I wait, lay, and look out the window.  Rest and sleep has no effect on how I feel. I just feel like lead.  The best way I know how to describe chemo recovery is that your body feels as though it is on its death bed and 5 days later you are healthy and back to living life. Oh and have I mentioned that food and water taste like chemicals?  The world look so different for many days and then it all comes back into focus.  The great news, only one more time that I have to endure this.

On the road to recovery today and hope to be almost myself tomorrow.  XOXO

Treatment No. 5

Today was a big day... Treatment No. 5!  I am so excited to only have one more to go and that will be three weeks from today.  When I started this journey, 6 chemo treatments over 18 weeks felt like such a daunting process. It has not been easy, but then again, I am making it through it beautifully so I have so very much to be thankful for.

Dad went with me to treatment today, his first chemo infusion experience.  We watched the bags of medicine go drip, drip, drip for 5 hours of infusion but really, the time goes by so quickly.  We were in a private procedure room today, with a hospital bed, a lounge chair for Dad and two TVs with Fox News playing the entire day. I had many visitors today to break up the day; Kyle, Katye and Greg.  Katye and Jenna made me their infamous treatment posters, which give me so much inspiration between treatments.  I keep them in my bathroom to remind me everyday how far I have come and how close I am to the finish line.

My visit with Dr. Meyering was encouraging, no big news, aside from we are reducing my dose of steroids for this treatment and next.  I have insomnia while I am on them, which isn't helping me get my rest to stay strong.  So I look forward for the half dose coming my way.  I have bad tummy aches during my sick days so the Dr. gave me a hopeful remedy that I will try out.

Tomorrow in the morning,  I have an Echocardiogram scheudled to check my heart.  Heart failure can be common during chemo and Herceptin treatments, so I look forward to getting the good news that my heart is pumping strong.  Then my Neulasta shot is in the late afternoon to keep my white blood cell counts up.

Saturday will be the start of my sick days and then I will be functioning somewhat normally by Wednesday and then almost completely back to normal by Friday of next week.  Wish me luck!  XXOO

Get-a-way

I have had a much needed vacation....left for Vegas early Saturday morning and returning tonight. Staying at the Four Season's, relaxing with spa by day and steakhouse by night. I needed some time away from everything; the doctor's appointments and the big "C". Although I have come to realize over the past five days that I can't really get away from it. When I hope to do something that I might have done before wishingf to feel like I did before, to break up treatment routine or to get my mind off what the reality of my life is now; it all brings me back to the reality of my situation. There isn't a get-a-way. Really the many happy moments I have each day when I am smiling, laughing or thinking about how blessed I am to have amazing people in my life- that's when I have a get-a-way from the big "C" and at ease.

Bought some amazing new shoes, all beautiful heels. Wishing that I will want to start wearing them soon. All I want to do is wear sweats lately (splendid leggings, really) and sweat and t-shirts don't look cute with heels. I guess, to give myself a break, I did, only a few weeks ago start wearing shoes again. For what felt like so I long I could only manage slippers because of the pain in my feet. Had a moment this week in Saks, I got more excited about the hat I found than the Jimmy Choos I bought. Never thought that would happen!

Tomorrow is treatment so I will blog in the morning to update you any news from my doctor's appointment. - XOXO

The Count Down Begins

I have 6 more weeks to go of chemo and I can't tell you how happy that makes me...well, I am sure you may be able to imagine for yourself.

I've had a busy week, all a good busy.  Most everyone is busy with the holidays approaching and I am busy working hard at having fun.  My parents would tell you that treatment No. 4 was easier for me, which I am sure they are right from a physical standpoint but emotionally I am on a journey and I am in the thick of it.  There are so many emotional and physical changes happening all at once, I am gently taking them all in.

I am officially in menopause, have been for a few weeks now.  So, I have continuos hot flashes and get chilled to the bone immediately following the hot flash. I have been very emotional, like I cry when I read a touching quote.  If you are like me, I didn't know what menopause really was.  Just knew it was something my Mom was going through and something that one day I would.  Basically, my ovaries are shut down. Well, I hope they are not shut down for good and just "resting" and that soon I start my menstrual cycle again.  Some women do again after chemo and some women don't.  It can start anywhere from 6 mos after my last treatment up until 5 years.

This last weekend, Ashley, my best friend visited from San Fransico.  We had a really full weekend and did many, many fun girl things. It has been my first weekend of nothing but friend time in a really, really long time.  Shopping, home decor design, the Getty and lots of Starbucks.  Most exciting was we went out on Saturday night- dinner at Mastro's and then cocktails afterwards.  It was an eventful evening and a night to that I could forget for a few hours that I have cancer.  Well, I thought that I might forget but that isn't quite what happened.  I found myself looking at other good looking women, most with long blonde hair... wishing that I could have their confidence and feel like they felt that night. Assuming, they feel good about themselves. I realized the next morning, that I have been blessed with beauty.  I am not saying that I am the most gorgeous girl out there, but from a physical and emotional stand-point, I have made out pretty well and confidence came on a silver platter for me.   No matter what I have done or where I have gone, I have always felt great about myself.  So, in there here and now, I have gained confidence over the last few months in so many ways that I could have never imagined, I am doing things that I thought I could never do.  And yet, on Saturday night, I realized how much I don't feel like myself or at least the self with the long beautiful blonde hair.  When I look in the mirror and I don't see the person that has been standing there for 32 years, I do, I miss her.  I am more than hair...that I know...but when you see the pictures of me with hair you
probably don't see a difference, but I don't see myself in them.  I see a person that is trying to look like her old self, to feel like she did before she had cancer. 

On to bigger and better... This week has been busy with work and doctor's appointments.  On Wednesday, I had a brain MRI.  About two weeks ago I mentioned to my oncologist that I was having headaches and wanted to confirm that I could take Advil to treat them. My oncologist and her colleague both agreed that I needed to have a brain MRI scheduled to check for brain cancer.  You may be asking yourself what I did... how could I get brain cancer when I am in chemo treatment?  Well, the chemo goes throughout the entire body but not to the brain. Five months ago when I was diagnosed...yes, it has already been five months.  My PET scan came up clean for any other cancers, but as we know, my cancer has been quick growing.  I went to my oncologist this morning for my results, which could have not come quicker.  I DO not have any sign of brain cancer- totally clean!  Because the thought of brain cancer for the last two weeks has been daunting.  I know that I will have to be cautious and careful throughout my life for spread of cancer, but I guess I kept telling myself I could worry about all of that when I was cancer-free from this breast cancer.  I didn't imagine I would be facing this now!

My brain MRI was an experience...do you remember the stories from my breast MRI???  Three times the charm.  For the brain MRI, I did have an open MRI, but that doesn't help much when your head is in a "Cage".  Yeap, true story.

I will close with some of the best news EVER....  my oncologist believes that in the operating room they will find that I am in remission.  Today, there is no sign of a tumor on my breast, which is truly extraordinary and rare for the body to react this well to chemo.  When I think about that news, I get teary.  To think about 8-9 weeks from now, finding out that I am cancer-free brings me so much joy.  My body has been so good to me over the last few months, it is enduring some awful things and such a jolt.  But compared to many, I am not as sick, I get to live a very normal and fulfilling life while in treatment and the chemo is working so, so well.

I want to thank you for being on this journey with me; supporting me, loving me and wishing me well.  I know that your support has been such a big part of why I am staying so healthy.

On the Up and Up

I am starting on the up and up. I am a day ahead of last treatment, starting to feel better sooner. I was committed this time to stay active, and by active I mean to walk laps in the house. But nevertheless, the least amount of time I have to feel like crap the better. I worked a half day today and will do the same tomorrow and will be back to work fully on Thursday.

Thanks to everyone who sends me an email or text when I am not well,it makes the day go by that much quicker and I smile.

"You can't change what happens in life but you can change your attitude towards it."- Giuliana Rancic

Good news on finding cures for breast cancer http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2073280/Cancer-treatment-New-super-vaccine-better-wonder-drug-Herceptin.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Picture Day

Jenna and Katye came to visit during treatment and they made me a poster that rocks!  Lots of sparkle and inspiration.  "4 Down, 2 to go!.  I have it in my bathroom so I can look at it every day to remind me how close I am.  

Mom wanted a picture with the poster.  

Treatment No. 4

Holy smokes, time flys! Already on infusion No. 4. Today, I get my chemo cocktail of Carboplatin, Taxotere, anti-nausea meds, steroids and Benedryl. I also get a good dose of Herceptin. Total infusion time is 5 hours, watching the meds go drip, drip, drip from their bag to my port. Quite amusing, really.

Dr. Meyering is at a Breast Cancer Summit in Austin Texas, I have been reading about a lot of new research they are announcing at the Summit. It is the biggest Breast Cancer Conference of the year, so today, I met with Dr. Palmer which is another oncologist at the office.

Mom is with me today, she hasn't been since my first treatment, so it is great to have her back. I am going to work while the drugs are infused into my body, she'll hang out and watch TV in our "private suite". We packed a lunch of all healthy treats and will eat while relaxing in the recliners.

Three weeks ago, I was tested for the Breast Cancer Gene (BRCA 1 and BRCA 2). The test is a simple blood test and then it is sent off for results. I have been anxiously awaiting
the results, because if I do have the breast cancer gene (different than family history) then my course of treatments, as a choice, should be different. For example, I would possibly undergo a double mastectomy and then at some point in my life have my ovaries removed before cancer sets in. I am So happy to report that There is no mutation detected, meaning I do not have the breast cancer gene. If one does have the breast cancer gene then they are 80% likely to get breast cancer over a lifetime, 40% likely if you are BRCA 1 to get ovarian cancer and 20% likely if you are BRCA 2. Ovarian cancer risk rises steeply after age 40 for carriers. Men who carry BRCA 2 mutations have a 1.2 % lifetime risk of breast cancer, and those with BRCA 2 mutations a 6.8% risk.

Approximately 3% of breast cancer patients have the gene, so the odds are in my favor.  But then again, I have breast cancer at 32 and the odds of that are 1 in 251. So, playing the numbers game is tricky now. There are benefits and risks of the the genetic test, but for me, it was a must. I would rather have the choice of being proactive then reactive, for re-occurance in the other breast and with ovarian cancer.

If you don't have breast cancer, who should be tested?
1.  Family history or relatives with the BRCA 1 or 2 mutation.
2.  Close family member with breast cancer diagnosed before 40.
3.  Close family member with ovarian or fallopian tube cancer.
4.  If you have been diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
5.  Family history of male breast cancer.

Tomorrow I will work at the office, get my Neulasta shot in the afternoon (the white blood cell count shot) and try to stay as active as possible throughout the evening.  Last treatment, I was very tired by 2pm, went home from work and relaxed.  This time I am going to try and stay active so in total, it will be less time of doing nothing for 7 days.  Saturday morning I am determined to get up and take a nice walk, then afterwards I know I will be down for the count.  Starting Wednesday I should come back around where I am tired but alert.

Wish me luck!  XOXO

Feelin' Good

Hi Friends,


I am still feeling really good... I have been like the energizer bunny and I keep going, going and going.  It has been 8 days now that I have energy, feel like my old self (just with different looks); this has given me the luxury of visiting with friends and full days.


Friday: Lenette and Lisa came to visit me at work and we had lunch. I baked in the evening, my Mom came over and got lots of stuff done around the house.
Saturday: Shopping during the day with Katye in Thousand Oaks, lunch with Lisa in Studio City (more on that in a minute), nails with Lisa and Lenette in the afternoon then dinner with the family.
Sunday: Cardio Barre class in the morning, grocery shopping, more shopping with Katye, visit with the family and then home for the evening.
Monday: Met with my parents for breakfast, Lunch with Lauren, a walk with the dogs and Liz.


*I know the events from the weekend don't seem like much... but that is the most active I have been for the last 8 or so weeks. It felt so good to carry on with a "normal" life.


This week is another big week for me; start my treatment prep on Wednesday, treatment on Thursday, work on Friday then I will be down and out for the weekend and most of next week.  I was scared and not looking forward to my next treatment, but I am ready for this one. I am 7 weeks away from never feeling sick from chemo again and that is motivation enough to feel really good going into my 4th treatment.  *and I am crying right now but they are such tears of joy*.    

I rarely feel my tumor, I really forget that it is there until someone asks about its size or when my doctor examines it.  The only thing that makes me feel like I am a cancer patient is the side effects of the chemo.  This morning my Dad asked about its size, I felt it and was so happy to tell him that there is now no difference between the right breast and the left.  It is virtually gone!  The body is so amazing and it is such a blessing that my the chemo is working miraculously.




Lisa and I went to a vegan and raw restaurant, called Sun Cafe.  I had Pad Thai with kelp noodles (raw dish) and Lisa had a BLT (vegan) with Tempeh.  We had fun and tried something different which was really enjoyable.


www.suncafe.com

I will talk to you on Thursday and let you know how the day is going.

Something to Laugh At

I have been feeling really good this week, working, having a life after work, catching up with friends and enjoying every minute of feeling more like myself than I have in 6 weeks.  

So, I am getting ready for happy hour and dinner with a girlfriend.  Getting dressed, touching up my make-up, jewelry is on and then I decide it is time to wear heels again (it's been at least 7 weeks).  I look in the mirror to make sure the shoes look good with the outfit (check).

Walking down the stairs, I remember how long it has been since I have worn anything other than slippers, sandals, UGGs and flats.  Holding onto the railing tightly, for sure.

In the car on the drive over to dinner, listening to some great music (I might have been singing...and loudly), having fun in the car and then I realize, I don't feel like a cancer patient tonight, I just feel like a person, like my old self.

So I get to dinner, order my glass of wine (oh yes, going big tonight) and tell Katye the good news that I am feeling like my old self.  So we are both happy about that, start conversing about the latest and greatest..... and.....then... the laughter begins.

First laugh: I take a sip of my wine and admire the stemware.  I am having a fabulous glass of Pinot Noir from France and ask her, "Wonder if they serve their white wine in this glass?"  This is a question I have been known to ask before, but this time, the answer was right in front of me.  She had ordered a glass of white wine and it was directly in my view.  A complete chemo brain moment (this happens all the time now).
Second laugh:I have hot flashes galore all the while she is telling a great story. She stops the story, I fan myself with a linen napkin and wait to cool down.  It is like I am burning up from the inside out.
Third laugh: My right eye won't stop twitching.  
Fourth and final laugh: The contact in my right eye pops out, with zero notice and lands in the palm of my hand (a side effect from chemo is dry eyes so my contacts wanted out).  

The evening was a pleasant reminder that for now, there is no escaping the side effects of chemo.  All that I can do is have a great time laughing about the many changes and silly things that happen at any given moment and when I least expect them.


XOXO

A Numbers Game

Sometimes I feel like this journey is a numbers game.  I met with my oncologist today and we had some time to talk and discussed the long-term outcome of this journey.  I asked the questions... I am ready to hear the answers.  I had stayed away from topics that would lead me past the next few months, but feel like I am grounded enough now to hear what the reality of this cancer is.

Do you want the good new or not the best news first?  

Good news: 85% survival rate over the next five years for localized breast cancer.  

Scary news: Dr. Meyering started the conversation by saying, "the statistics are alarming."  When your Oncologist says that you want to start crying or run out of the room.  I stayed strong, but had tears coming from my eyes, only because my eyes have been tearing over the last few days as a side effect. She then told me that assuming that her prognosis of Stage II is correct, based on the type of cancer I have, there is a 10-15% chance of my breast cancer spreading to other parts of my body over the next ten years.  Breast cancer can spread to the brain, bone, liver and lungs.  If my breast cancer spread that would be called metastatic breast cancer. If one has metastatic cancer, there is no curing it, like we are doing now with mine, it is just managing the cancer.  Alarming is right, Dr. Meyering!  I have been digesting the news all day today. 

If you are wondering why the stage of my cancer is still on the table, my Oncologist has made her best guess of prognosis for stage.  She really believes it is 2a.  However, since I didn't have surgery first, we will never really know what the true stage of the cancer is.  There is a possibility that it is stage 3 but we won't ever really know. So much information and yet there are so many things that are still unknown and that I will never know. One of my greatest learnings from all of this will be letting of go of the unknown.  One never really knows what will happen in life, but when you know there is a potential risk, knowing that is different than being healthy living life not really knowing what will happen to you. Make sense?


For those of you that like numbers and understanding risk:
1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer.
At age 30, 1 out of 251 will be diagnosed.
At age 40, 1 out of 69 will be diagnosed.
At age 50, 2 out of 36 will be diagnosed.
For women without a family history of breast cancer: 1 in 30 will be diagnosed.


The American Cancer Society's most recent estimates for breast cancer in the United States are for 2011:

• About 230,480 new cases of invasive breast cancer in women
• About 57,650 new cases of carcinoma in situ (CIS) will be found (CIS is non-invasive and is the earliest form of breast cancer).
• About 39,520 deaths from breast cancer (women)

Breast cancer is the most common cancer among women in the United States, other than skin cancer. It is the second leading cause of cancer death in women, after lung cancer.

The chance of dying from breast cancer is about 1 in 35. Breast cancer death rates have been going down, which is great news. Right now there are more than 2½ million breast cancer survivors in the United States.  I will be a proud breast cancer survivor!  

Me Again...

I had a great check-up today, blood cell counts are where they need to be, I gained a few pounds and overall am on track.


I had a day out on Sunday with girlfriends... shopping, lunch and the Marilyn Monroe movie.  I enjoyed every ounce of it!


Yesterday and today I have felt so fantastic. As good as I felt before chemo started and have been rejoicing in the glory of working and then having a life after work.  I have energy and don't feel like much of a cancer patient this week.  

Time Standing Still

Time stands still when I am sick.  I have been trying to figure out how best to describe the feeling… it has been hard to.  I don’t think anyone can understand how it feels unless you experience it yourself and I hope you never have to.  After my first treatment I best described it as drunk and hung over all at the same time but that is because I was trying to attach words to the feeling that were understandable by most.  Now, I think I have figured it out…everything stops around me.  I don’t know what day it is nor do I care, which alone is an out of body experience for me.  Drinking more water than I want to consume, eating three meals and sleeping become the only things that matter.  I am alert enough to know what I need and can’t do any thing more than that. I feel selfish because I don’t have the energy to fend for myself and have learned to completely rely on my family and friends.

What I most grateful for this Thanksgiving is those around me that let time stand still and are right there with me.   Knowing that they can’t do anything to take away my side effects but want to with all their might.  Typically when you are sick, those around you or you yourself are doing whatever is in your power to take meds or treat symptoms, but with chemo, anything and everything that can be done for you to make you feel good during sick days are done at the onset of treatment.  So riding out the storm is all that can be done. 

Treatment No. 3 has been different than No. 2.  I started feeling ill on Friday night which was 24 hours after infusion and am still not feeling well, so timing was different but symptoms were the same.  I am back to work from home today, which means that I am feeling much more like myself. This time I had my Neulasta shot on Friday so my while blood cell counts should be right in line with where they need to be. 

I have a chemo ritual now, the day that I start feeling like eating, I crave a Charburger with cheese from The Habit.  Started with eating at The Habit with Dean and Ashley the first time around and then Aunt Sue during number two and Kyle picked up my Charbugrer for me last night.  It has become the tell-tale sign that good things are about to come. 

Monday my brother took me for a walk, it was the first time I had been outside in a few  days, and we got two houses away and I turned around and for a moment asked myself how I was going to get back because my energy level was so low.  That is a sneak peak into chemo….  My sights are high for today, I am hoping for a walk around the block.  

Preparation

Tomorrow is my 3rd chemo treatment and my half way point, can you believe it?  I can't, it feels like yesterday that I found out I had breast cancer.
I am preparing myself for treatment tomorrow:
+ Started my steroid this morning which I take the day before, day of and day after treatment.  I do have to admit that I hate the steroid. I know that it helps keep side affects from the chemo at bay but the side effect of the drug is insomnia which is awful and terrible timing because I need my rest to keep my body healthy to fight off the terrible things from the chemo and the cancer.
+ I am drinking lots and lots of water in prep for tomorrow, over the next week I have to stay committed to drink 8-10 glasses a day which is hard for me.  I can go throughout a day with having one cup of coffee and one glass of water, which I know isn't good for me.  Yesterday I drank 9 glasses which was a victory!
+ Eating lots of fiber to help with all the bowel issues that are up and coming.  Yeap you heard me right.... it's awful!
+ Tried to get lots of sleep last night, but my sleep pattern right now is a 5 hours of sleep waking up three times.  I use to sleep great...oh how I miss the old days.
+ Will eat a lot over the next three days because come Saturday, nothing will taste good.  So I like to fill my body with nutrients hoping it will take me through my sick days.
+ Getting my things packed and house ready.  I will be at my parents while I am sick, starting Saturday and for likely a week.  Last round I was down and out for five days.  Knowing ahead of time that you will be sick is a different and weird feeling.  Although now that I think of it, when I use to get a cold I would always says that the timing wasn't good for me.  Every time I would wake up sick, I would always say, "Today isn't a good day to be sick,"  Well now, I plan my life around my sick days.

I have a long work day ahead, I will be in Orange County from 11 and won't be home until after midnight, but all is good so that I can get a lot done to be able to take some time off tomorrow.

I will update you tomorrow during treatment.  Have a great day!

Spirit

So many amazing people in my life are often telling me that my spirit inspires them.  I love, love the compliment.  It is a choice everyday to focus on the blessings and everything amazing that is coming from my diagnosis.  My friendships have strengthened, I am spending every waking moment with my family, I cherish moments throughout the day, meeting people I would have probably never met and learning so many new things.   

But, I also feel that it's important to say that it's not all happy thoughts, everyday.  There is a part of me that is sad - every day.  There is a part of me that is grieving - every day.  There is a part of me that is scared - every day.

For example; this week has been my most challenging week yet.  I am scared for my third treatment after my last go around.  I wake up everyday, not knowing what new ailment will be present at one point during the day and what I could expect before in life is no longer dependable.   

Speaking of new things that I am learning, my friend Liz (neighbor and dog walking partner in crime) sent me a link to a news article.  Did you know that breast cancer isn't always in the form of a lump?  I had no idea, I thought I was almost a breast cancer expert by now.  Learning something new everyday! 

A young women's story: Click Here

P.S. I worked out for the first time tonight in 2 months.  I don't have full range of motion on my right side because of my port but I did run a short distance.  Felt good! 

XOXO