The Count Down Begins

I have 6 more weeks to go of chemo and I can't tell you how happy that makes me...well, I am sure you may be able to imagine for yourself.

I've had a busy week, all a good busy.  Most everyone is busy with the holidays approaching and I am busy working hard at having fun.  My parents would tell you that treatment No. 4 was easier for me, which I am sure they are right from a physical standpoint but emotionally I am on a journey and I am in the thick of it.  There are so many emotional and physical changes happening all at once, I am gently taking them all in.

I am officially in menopause, have been for a few weeks now.  So, I have continuos hot flashes and get chilled to the bone immediately following the hot flash. I have been very emotional, like I cry when I read a touching quote.  If you are like me, I didn't know what menopause really was.  Just knew it was something my Mom was going through and something that one day I would.  Basically, my ovaries are shut down. Well, I hope they are not shut down for good and just "resting" and that soon I start my menstrual cycle again.  Some women do again after chemo and some women don't.  It can start anywhere from 6 mos after my last treatment up until 5 years.

This last weekend, Ashley, my best friend visited from San Fransico.  We had a really full weekend and did many, many fun girl things. It has been my first weekend of nothing but friend time in a really, really long time.  Shopping, home decor design, the Getty and lots of Starbucks.  Most exciting was we went out on Saturday night- dinner at Mastro's and then cocktails afterwards.  It was an eventful evening and a night to that I could forget for a few hours that I have cancer.  Well, I thought that I might forget but that isn't quite what happened.  I found myself looking at other good looking women, most with long blonde hair... wishing that I could have their confidence and feel like they felt that night. Assuming, they feel good about themselves. I realized the next morning, that I have been blessed with beauty.  I am not saying that I am the most gorgeous girl out there, but from a physical and emotional stand-point, I have made out pretty well and confidence came on a silver platter for me.   No matter what I have done or where I have gone, I have always felt great about myself.  So, in there here and now, I have gained confidence over the last few months in so many ways that I could have never imagined, I am doing things that I thought I could never do.  And yet, on Saturday night, I realized how much I don't feel like myself or at least the self with the long beautiful blonde hair.  When I look in the mirror and I don't see the person that has been standing there for 32 years, I do, I miss her.  I am more than hair...that I know...but when you see the pictures of me with hair you
probably don't see a difference, but I don't see myself in them.  I see a person that is trying to look like her old self, to feel like she did before she had cancer. 

On to bigger and better... This week has been busy with work and doctor's appointments.  On Wednesday, I had a brain MRI.  About two weeks ago I mentioned to my oncologist that I was having headaches and wanted to confirm that I could take Advil to treat them. My oncologist and her colleague both agreed that I needed to have a brain MRI scheduled to check for brain cancer.  You may be asking yourself what I did... how could I get brain cancer when I am in chemo treatment?  Well, the chemo goes throughout the entire body but not to the brain. Five months ago when I was diagnosed...yes, it has already been five months.  My PET scan came up clean for any other cancers, but as we know, my cancer has been quick growing.  I went to my oncologist this morning for my results, which could have not come quicker.  I DO not have any sign of brain cancer- totally clean!  Because the thought of brain cancer for the last two weeks has been daunting.  I know that I will have to be cautious and careful throughout my life for spread of cancer, but I guess I kept telling myself I could worry about all of that when I was cancer-free from this breast cancer.  I didn't imagine I would be facing this now!

My brain MRI was an experience...do you remember the stories from my breast MRI???  Three times the charm.  For the brain MRI, I did have an open MRI, but that doesn't help much when your head is in a "Cage".  Yeap, true story.

I will close with some of the best news EVER....  my oncologist believes that in the operating room they will find that I am in remission.  Today, there is no sign of a tumor on my breast, which is truly extraordinary and rare for the body to react this well to chemo.  When I think about that news, I get teary.  To think about 8-9 weeks from now, finding out that I am cancer-free brings me so much joy.  My body has been so good to me over the last few months, it is enduring some awful things and such a jolt.  But compared to many, I am not as sick, I get to live a very normal and fulfilling life while in treatment and the chemo is working so, so well.

I want to thank you for being on this journey with me; supporting me, loving me and wishing me well.  I know that your support has been such a big part of why I am staying so healthy.