Hiatus!

Feeling lost and what do I do? Turn to Running on Pink for comfort.... I had a big day today, didn't turn out as expected, then again, I had blessings all around.

I decided a few months ago to start understanding my fertility options, so I had a couple of appointments over the last many weeks and today was my first "real" appointment where I could get some answers with a well-regarded fertility specialist. We are discussing my options, he's in the process of a pelvic exam (something large and ultrasound like - inside my body) and we are talking fertility until my world turns upside down and landed on an axis - all - when he noticed what could be a cancerous cyst in my ovary.

Now, a bit of back story, Tamoxifen users (under 2% and usually never young takers) get ovarian cancer from the drug and commonly get benign cysts (50%). I have a pelvic ultrasound each year to make sure I am healthy. I just had my last one in November, which is alarming because the report back was perfect. No cysts. Either one of two things; the technician didn't know what she was doing (doubtlful) or this has all happened in the last few months (scary).

Tonight I am lost, confused and defeated. The feeling won't last for long, I have been here before but so don't want to be here again.

It's common for survivors to "Fear" scans. I am not so certain anymore that it's fear that I think of when I have to wait for answers or a diagnosis. I am coming closer to understanding that it's not that I fear hearing the words of a pragmatic diagnosis, but have a full understanding of what will follow those devastating words. The courage, the physical strength, the life put on hold is all something I have been too close with and I would prefer, please, to not do again.

So, while I get over my pity party, I have some news about what will come next.

They ran a few specialized blood tests that will help the gynecological oncologist I have been referred to. He is one of the best in LA, so I know I am in good company. I hope to have an appointment with him next week, he will do the scans he needs to and then determine the best course of action. You know me... I will push to get the quickest possible answers and of coarse, share. Hoping for many more blessings.

A scenario I keep playing over and over in my head tonight is that I am sure there will be a discussion about whether or not I continue to take Tamoxifen for the remaining three years. It saves me from one cancer and possibly causes another. I hope, so hope, that I won't have to make that decision for myself.

I am definitely a newbie to the cyst world so those of you that have advice or guidance, I would love some. XXOO!